Redneck Roundup: What’s cooking good looking?

One of the best things about living in small town Maine is reading the weekly newspaper. Local news is the best news in my opinion, and when you live on the edge of nowhere, some of that news is quite entertaining – especially what I refer to as the weekly Redneck Roundup. On Tucker Ridge, I take my entertainment where I can find it.

I am never disappointed with my local paper and the coverage they provide about my redneck neighbors.  Well, local enough. The town of Lincoln is about a 35 minute drive from my dooryard and Millinocket is about an hour away. Lincoln is what we call town, as our shopping and town business is mostly conducted there. It is also the source of much redneck hilarity.

For purposes of full disclosure, I most certainly could be put in the redneck category; however, I fall in line with the ranks of fun loving, gun shooting, law-abiding, friendly rednecks – not the drug addled, criminal miscreant rednecks I so love to read about.

It has become a hobby, perhaps even an obsession, of mine to make my way down to Smith’s General Store in Springfield every Thursday to pick up my copy of the Lincoln News the minute it hits the shelf. You just never know what hilarity is about to be revealed! Like the saying goes, you just can’t make this stuff up.

While the Lincoln rednecks provide much entertainment, The Millinocket rednecks really know how to get down; the Katahdin Region section of the Lincoln News is usually a powerhouse of redneck ridiculousness.  It is fast becoming my first read. Without further ado, I present to you the first edition of Redneck Roundups…

The headline:

“Alleged Howland drug maker indicted by grand jury” – Lincoln News

The roundup:

Howland resident Kelly L. Moore was indicted by a Penobscot County grand jury, charged with Class A Aggravated Operation of a Meth Lab. Her arrest was sparked by a complaint received by her neighbor in the apartment building they both reside in.

According to the neighbor, a burning smell and what they thought to be a methamphetamine odor was wafting from Moore’s apartment, so they called the law.

How did they know what meth smells like? Good question! I’m curious too.When officers responded they did indeed discover illegal and hazardous materials, but the burning smell and reported smoke turned out to be nothing but good old fashioned food burning on the stove. How’s that for bad luck?

I was under the impression that crystal meth users weren’t too keen on regular diet routines. Guess I was wrong.

The takeaway:

Meth heads and multitasking do not mix. On second thought, maybe that is a bit too harsh. I don’t know anyone who can cook dinner and methamphetamine at the same time. Am I right?

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John Floyd

About John Floyd

John is a Registered Maine Guide, an NRA Certified Instructor and is the owner of Tucker Ridge Outdoors in Webster Plantation, Maine. He also works as a freelance writer and is the author of the monthly column “The Gun Cabinet” for the Northwoods Sporting Journal. He can be reached at john@tuckerridge.me or on Facebook @writerjohnfloyd